Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I've got this figured out

I don't want to blog about this stupid diet tonight so I thought I would talk about something else. Wait yes I do!! I hate it so much. Mostly because I have issues with authority and when I'm tempted I feel like the diet is controlling me and I'm like "F@#% You Diet! You don't own me. I'm gonna eat the S#!& out of that frozen yogurt!" and then I'm filled with regret. But I can't quit now. It would be so pathetic to quit on day one. I have to wait for like day four or five. No. I have to make it through hell week.  Hell week is seven days of strictly veggies and meat. No fruit, no sugar. If there is anyone reading this post thinking this is easy. You're on. We'll decide on a fair wager and then the first one to get through a whole week is the victor. I have a stipulation though. You can't already be on this diet, or a similar diet, and doing marvelously. So? Anyone?

Today I had a carrot and some water for breakfast. What kind of sustainable diet is that? You hope when you start a diet especially a diet like this that you are stumbling on to a new way of life. A rewarding one that will eventually become natural. As it is now right before I put something in to my mouth I have to google it to see if it's caveman approved. Look at how sad this is?

This will never become a lifestyle. I will never wake up and say "mmm I could really go for some prison food." And not just regular prison. More like I woke up chained to the wall in someones basement kind of prison food. Maybe I'm wrong though maybe I could develop stockholm syndrome for s#*! food. Would it be weird to call Patty Hearst and ask her if she still like Symbionese food? (Shut up I already know that's not a real food) Ask her if she like Ramen noodles and we'll assume that's the same thing.

I stood there and stared at this carrot wondering what those stupid cavemen were thinking. And then it dawned on me. I didn't need to wonder, I KNOW SOME CAVEMEN!!! sort of.

I see these guys at the gym all the time. In fact I'm convinced some of them never leave because no matter what time of day I go. There they are. This guy doesn't eat carrots for breakfast. This guy.....this guy eats.......someone's young. Well I'm not doing that again. BUT it gave me an idea. 

The point of this hell week is to cut out all sugar right? There is no sugar in this. I can do this. I'll start like this. I'll cut out all of the crap and substitute it with a shake. This concept made slimfast cabillions. I can do this for a week. My coffee is out but this is kind of coffee-ish. Infact I can just make it with hot water. I did, and guess what? That sh*! is disgusting hot. It's disgusting cold, with a goat, on a boat. It's gelatinous. It's not okay. I had to check the bottle and make sure it was supposed to be administered orally because it would make one hell of an enema. (Turns out that's not true either)

So I went to the store and bought me some things. I now have jerky and eggs in the house. My only cheat today was a little frozen yogurt, I dipped my carrot in salsa, and I had a ham and cheese omelette.  I should have said no cheese. But I worried that if I opened my mouth I would yell something horrid about the waiters face. That is a real concern for me sometimes. It was better for everyone that I just quietly accepted the gift of cheese.

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