Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Remember that 52 projects thing?

Remember how awhile ago I announced that this would be a productive year? Remember how to make certain that the year was a productive one I set a goal to do a minimum of one project a week, making it 52 for the year and blah blah blah? I did four projects. Just four. I blame the kids. They can suck the zest for life through a pin hole. And that is pretty much the only thing they can do.

I can't even find me a lady pant suit so I can launch myself in to the free spirited giddiness of being elderly while I'm young enough to enjoy it. I have since learned it is not called a lady pant suit it is called a track suit. Apparently it was decreed by some omnipotent power that starting now and from this day forward any and all track suits will be manufactured in china, they will be one size fits none and will come with either a little or a lot of glittery letters on the ass. There is absolutely nothing senile about that, and that is a truth I find disgusting. They all say JUICY or SEXY or PINK. The one and only word that I would have accepted was BINGO.

This is all I want. Why did they stop making this?

No projects, no pant suits. I did get braces and I got knocked up. When you put it all together you have what I'm referring to as my mid-life crisis. Nothing makes me feel young again like an awkward appearance, unprotected sex, dreams of a better wardrobe, and failure to reach my unrealistic expectations.

I'm not even kidding right now. This is a recent photo of me, I'm 34 with braces and I'm pregnant.

What the heck happened to me? I used to get spontaneous tattoos and throw my shoe at people. I don't do anything wild and fun any more. At this point I really have only one last shred of dignity. It is my last stand. My Thermopylae...... sounds intense right? It is.

I vow that I will NEVER watch the movie Frozen. And I will NEVER let anything go. EVER.

It's never happening. I wont watch your stupid show, I won't sing your stupid song.
Take your pity party somewhere Else-a

I do all the other cliche stay at home mom stuff. I do my sons homework for him after he falls asleep, I try to gossip with my teen daughters friends. I car pool. I drive a hybrid. I run relays. It's okay though because I adamantly insist I'm doing all of those things ironically. I can't handle the truth.

I do this. I really do this. 

This year my youngest child started the first grade. She now goes to school full time. This leaves me all day to do whatever the hell I want. I can drink, I can fight a bum, I can go room to room and rub my bare ass all over everyone's stuff. I can say out loud what I really think of their art work. I could get a series of part time jobs that I could quit in wild flourishes of lewdness and flare. I could punch people. I could just punch people at parks and run away. I'd be doing women a favor. Parks are boring. Sitting on a bench watching your kid swing, slide, run, repeat. Too afraid to play on your phone because there is a blog going around accusing you of not "living in the moment" Then out of nowhere a woman laughing manically in her mom jeans, shiny batman cape billowing behind her in the wind, punches you in the face as she runs past. I don't care what that blog says. Instantly you will have phone in hand and be posting that fantastic shit to Facebook. You can almost smell the multitude of likes and comments. Oh the witty banter you will have!! I doubt you'll even remember to report it to an authority.

My possibilities were endless. Right when I was ready to shed the skin of being a stay at home mom and taste the sweet nectar of freedom. A tiny voice in my belly started chanting "18 more years!" For as much as I struggle to exceed or even one time meet the June Cleaver standard. For as much as I loathe the brand and the acronym SAHM. One would believe that I would be disappointed with the news of starting all over. I'm not. I'm so excited!

I have none of the fears of a young mother.
I'm not chasing a toddler and wondering where I'll get the energy for another. I'm gonna out nap this baby any day any time and be proud of it.
I'm not worried that my young child will be scarred for life by a new addition and will grow to resent the baby. My children are older. Now that I have teenagers I'm hoping that happens. I've learned that a good blow to their ego make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Also because the other children are all older I've 'been there' and 'seen that' for every possible parenting scenario. Bring it little one. I am so ready for this. Every baby of the family knows that their older siblings used up all the good lies and broke mom and dad of their patience and sympathy. The family baby has no choice but to behave. Nobody falls for their bullshit.
I'm not intimidated financially. I do not need strollers and baby carriers and swings and activity saucers, This kid is going to have FOUR older sisters. Good luck learning to walk! You want to know how much I'll pay a baby sitter per hour? hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHAHA

And finally and most importantly. There's the daddy. This man is so incredibly loving and supportive I can't help but become suspicious and question his motives. What the hell is he up to? He's affectionate and genuine. He makes me feel adored. He makes me feel safe and taken care of without ever threatening my independence. He's always a gentleman and does innumerable things every day to make me happy. When I smile, he smiles. And when he smiles, I smile. Then it starts feeling weird with all that silent smiling so I punch him in the thigh and yell dead leg! He tells me I'm beautiful and kisses me every morning. Even the mornings when morning sickness is no joke. He falls asleep holding my hand. It's 2AM right now and I bet you $100 bucks I could wake him up just to tell him I'm craving a burger with blue cheese and bacon. Without complaint or question he would go buy me a cheeseburger. Because he loves me. And I'm holding this large knife.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Turn it Up Tuesday #59

Welcome to the 59th week of Turn It Up Tuesdays!!! We're so happy to have you here this week - and thanks for the amazing Halloween posts last week! There were so many great posts to choose from!
Let's continue with some more Halloween and Fall posts this week! I'm sure you have tons more to share!
Turn It Up Tuesdays is all about being happy, excited, energetic...and having fun! Link up your favorite posts (old or new) and meet some awesome bloggers in return! Link up your funny stories, DIY posts, recipes, mommy moments -- anything at all, as long as it is family-friendly. We want to laugh, be entertained, be inspired, and have a good time!
Thanks so much to everyone that joins us each week and makes this blog hop the best that it could be!


Silvie from My Silly Little Gang

Through Silvie's posts, she shares the details of raising my silly little gang of boys and the different things she encounters in her life as a mommy. Including crafts, recipes, and reviews, she enjoys blogging and all the work it entails. It definitely keeps her on her toes, but it's rewarding for her when she receives a comment from a reader letting her know they enjoy her post. Her goal is to grow her blog into all it can be. As a mommy blogger, she has had the opportunity to work with several brands to review their products or places.
Stop by and check out her blog...it's definitely a great read!
Are you interested in having your blog or website featured in this spot? Then, sponsor Turn It Up Tuesday for a month! Click here! It's only $5 for an entire month! We're accepting sponsors for 2015!

Welcome the lovely ladies of Turn It Up Tuesday!

TUT Hosts 11.1.14 (1)
(from the top - left to right)
Natasha from Epic Mommy Adventures | Stacey from This Momma's Ramblings | Jessica from The Wondering Brain | Cathy from A Peek Into My Paradise | April from 100lb Countdown | Meghan from Life with Peanut | Kae from Where's My Pacifier? | Kelly from Making-More | Melissa from The Coupon Chronicles | Yolanda from That's Mashed Up | Laura from Another Cent Saved | Cindy from Mom Maven | Kimberly from Keystrokes by Kimberly| Rhonda from Mother 2 Mother | Tiffany from MrsTeeLoveLifeLaughter | Mari from Living in Mommywood | Silvie from My Silly Little Gang | Jillian from Baby Doodah | Chelsea from Mommie and Wee | Tenns from New Mama Diaries

And welcome our awesome guest hosts for November!

TUT Nov 2014 (3)
(from the top - left to right)
Angie from God's Growing Garden | Damjana from AppleGreen Cottage | Keri from Living In This Season | Stasia from Our Life on a Budget | Kimberly from Life is a Lullaby | Rebeka from Homemade Momy | Serena from Simple Holistic Girl | Amy from Home Remedies | Stacy from Little to No Progress Here | Tanya from City Mom Loves | Tina from The Happy Creations

Interested in being a guest host for the month or becoming a permanent co-host?

Complete the form here! Monthly co-hosts will be chosen on a first come first-serve basis. We're now accepting guest hosts for December, January, and February.

Here are the Featured posts from last week!

Cathy chose Easy Recipe for Pumpkin Cream Cheese Truffles from A Mitten Full of Savings. "Cream cheese and pumpkin…need I say more!? I can’t wait to make these for the holidays!"
Jillian chose How to Make an Infinity Scarf from Little House Living. "I chose this post because I have been seriously obsessed with scarves this Fall season and they can get pricey. This is a much more affordable option to fulfill my need for many many scarves. haha"
Cathy chose Book Page Paper Pumpkin {How to Decorate for Fall on a Budget} from The Domestic Heart. "Shelly has created an amazing paper pumpkin and you can to with her awesome step by step tutorial! Create these amazing paper pumpkins to decorate your home this harvest season!"
Kelly chose Paper Plate Candy Corn Bunting from Typically Simple. "I love easy craft projects and my kids thought this was really fun."
Jessica chose If I Had A Halloween Party from The Crafty Side of Sarcasm. "How cute! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I have yet to throw a Halloween party so when I do, I will definitely check in for some of these awesome ideas, especially the take on food!"
Bernadyn chose How Zombies and Screams Gave Me a Mom Moment from Life in a House of Testosterone. "I chose this post because Kim shares how she had a "Mom moment" with her son in an unexpected time and place. I think that for parents, those special moments are important to cherish especially as your children grow older and it sometimes, it becomes harder to find ways to stay close and connected."
Stacey chose Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Bars from Platter Talk. "Oh my these look absolutely wonderful! My kids would definitely be asking for more because these are three of their favorite ingredients! LOL! I will be giving this one a try and soon! Thank you so much for sharing!"
Meghan chose 52 Ways You Can Save Money Each Month from Amber Kristine. "As a stay at home mom, we are constantly looking for ways to save money. This post was great as it gave me a few additional ideas that we had not thought of yet."
Sonya chose Easy Apple Cranberry Chia Seed Jam from A Worthey Read. "This looks like a great healthy jam recipe that is perfect for fall. Apples and cranberries are both in season so this is a great way to use them."
Elina chose Coffee Filter Crafts | Coffee Filter Wreath from Happy Deal - Happy Day! "The finished project is stunning and she takes you step by step on how to create this unique wreath. I love the flowers she added to it, it gives the wreath a nice pop of color."
Tina chose All Natural Car Air Freshener from Robyn's View. "What a wonderful idea, it looks so elegant! A natural air freshner without any chemicals,safe for all the family. Looks great and the car smells great for less!"
Natasha chose 10 Practical Tips For New Bloggers (From A New Blogger) from Tabler Party of Two. "This is such a great post! These are tips that even us semi-newbie and long-time bloggers can take advantage of!"
FP collage (WM)
The post with the most clicks is How To Put A Dresser Back Together from Anastasia Vintage.
Stop by and show some love to our featured bloggers this week! I'm sure they'd all appreciate it!
If you were featured above, feel free to share the badge below with pride on your blog or website!
Epic Mommy Adventures
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And the Best of the Best is...

How Zombies and Screams Gave Me a Mom Moment from Life in a House of Testosterone
Show some love to our Best of the Best bloggers this week!!!!
As the Best of the Best, you win free ad space on Epic Mommy Adventures for 30 days! Please showcase the badge below with pride on your blog!
Please send an e-mail to Natasha at 1EpicMommy@gmail.com and she will provide you with all the details!
Epic Mommy Adventures
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So now that you've met our sponsor of the month, our hosts and co-hosts, and the Featured and the Best of the Best,

let's get started!

*Show some love to your hosts and co-hosts simply by following them on social media and leaving a comment so they can follow you back. *Link up as many posts as you'd like! The more, the merrier! *Check out some of the other posts and make some new friends! *Grab the button below and showcase on your sidebar! Invite your fellow bloggers to join the fun!
Epic Mommy Adventures
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Link up your posts, make some friends, and earn the chance to be featured or become the Best of the Best on Turn It Up Tuesday! We will feature the favorite posts each week!

Interested in reading all of the Featured Posts on Turn It Up Tuesdays - past or present? Or do want to know if your post was featured before we go live next week? Follow Natasha Peter's board Featured on Turn It Up Tuesdays! on Pinterest.