Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Remember that 52 projects thing?

Remember how awhile ago I announced that this would be a productive year? Remember how to make certain that the year was a productive one I set a goal to do a minimum of one project a week, making it 52 for the year and blah blah blah? I did four projects. Just four. I blame the kids. They can suck the zest for life through a pin hole. And that is pretty much the only thing they can do.

I can't even find me a lady pant suit so I can launch myself in to the free spirited giddiness of being elderly while I'm young enough to enjoy it. I have since learned it is not called a lady pant suit it is called a track suit. Apparently it was decreed by some omnipotent power that starting now and from this day forward any and all track suits will be manufactured in china, they will be one size fits none and will come with either a little or a lot of glittery letters on the ass. There is absolutely nothing senile about that, and that is a truth I find disgusting. They all say JUICY or SEXY or PINK. The one and only word that I would have accepted was BINGO.

This is all I want. Why did they stop making this?

No projects, no pant suits. I did get braces and I got knocked up. When you put it all together you have what I'm referring to as my mid-life crisis. Nothing makes me feel young again like an awkward appearance, unprotected sex, dreams of a better wardrobe, and failure to reach my unrealistic expectations.

I'm not even kidding right now. This is a recent photo of me, I'm 34 with braces and I'm pregnant.

What the heck happened to me? I used to get spontaneous tattoos and throw my shoe at people. I don't do anything wild and fun any more. At this point I really have only one last shred of dignity. It is my last stand. My Thermopylae...... sounds intense right? It is.

I vow that I will NEVER watch the movie Frozen. And I will NEVER let anything go. EVER.

It's never happening. I wont watch your stupid show, I won't sing your stupid song.
Take your pity party somewhere Else-a

I do all the other cliche stay at home mom stuff. I do my sons homework for him after he falls asleep, I try to gossip with my teen daughters friends. I car pool. I drive a hybrid. I run relays. It's okay though because I adamantly insist I'm doing all of those things ironically. I can't handle the truth.

I do this. I really do this. 

This year my youngest child started the first grade. She now goes to school full time. This leaves me all day to do whatever the hell I want. I can drink, I can fight a bum, I can go room to room and rub my bare ass all over everyone's stuff. I can say out loud what I really think of their art work. I could get a series of part time jobs that I could quit in wild flourishes of lewdness and flare. I could punch people. I could just punch people at parks and run away. I'd be doing women a favor. Parks are boring. Sitting on a bench watching your kid swing, slide, run, repeat. Too afraid to play on your phone because there is a blog going around accusing you of not "living in the moment" Then out of nowhere a woman laughing manically in her mom jeans, shiny batman cape billowing behind her in the wind, punches you in the face as she runs past. I don't care what that blog says. Instantly you will have phone in hand and be posting that fantastic shit to Facebook. You can almost smell the multitude of likes and comments. Oh the witty banter you will have!! I doubt you'll even remember to report it to an authority.

My possibilities were endless. Right when I was ready to shed the skin of being a stay at home mom and taste the sweet nectar of freedom. A tiny voice in my belly started chanting "18 more years!" For as much as I struggle to exceed or even one time meet the June Cleaver standard. For as much as I loathe the brand and the acronym SAHM. One would believe that I would be disappointed with the news of starting all over. I'm not. I'm so excited!

I have none of the fears of a young mother.
I'm not chasing a toddler and wondering where I'll get the energy for another. I'm gonna out nap this baby any day any time and be proud of it.
I'm not worried that my young child will be scarred for life by a new addition and will grow to resent the baby. My children are older. Now that I have teenagers I'm hoping that happens. I've learned that a good blow to their ego make me feel warm and fuzzy.
Also because the other children are all older I've 'been there' and 'seen that' for every possible parenting scenario. Bring it little one. I am so ready for this. Every baby of the family knows that their older siblings used up all the good lies and broke mom and dad of their patience and sympathy. The family baby has no choice but to behave. Nobody falls for their bullshit.
I'm not intimidated financially. I do not need strollers and baby carriers and swings and activity saucers, This kid is going to have FOUR older sisters. Good luck learning to walk! You want to know how much I'll pay a baby sitter per hour? hahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA MWAHAHAHAHAHA

And finally and most importantly. There's the daddy. This man is so incredibly loving and supportive I can't help but become suspicious and question his motives. What the hell is he up to? He's affectionate and genuine. He makes me feel adored. He makes me feel safe and taken care of without ever threatening my independence. He's always a gentleman and does innumerable things every day to make me happy. When I smile, he smiles. And when he smiles, I smile. Then it starts feeling weird with all that silent smiling so I punch him in the thigh and yell dead leg! He tells me I'm beautiful and kisses me every morning. Even the mornings when morning sickness is no joke. He falls asleep holding my hand. It's 2AM right now and I bet you $100 bucks I could wake him up just to tell him I'm craving a burger with blue cheese and bacon. Without complaint or question he would go buy me a cheeseburger. Because he loves me. And I'm holding this large knife.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Turn it Up Tuesday #59

Welcome to the 59th week of Turn It Up Tuesdays!!! We're so happy to have you here this week - and thanks for the amazing Halloween posts last week! There were so many great posts to choose from!
Let's continue with some more Halloween and Fall posts this week! I'm sure you have tons more to share!
Turn It Up Tuesdays is all about being happy, excited, energetic...and having fun! Link up your favorite posts (old or new) and meet some awesome bloggers in return! Link up your funny stories, DIY posts, recipes, mommy moments -- anything at all, as long as it is family-friendly. We want to laugh, be entertained, be inspired, and have a good time!
Thanks so much to everyone that joins us each week and makes this blog hop the best that it could be!


Silvie from My Silly Little Gang

Through Silvie's posts, she shares the details of raising my silly little gang of boys and the different things she encounters in her life as a mommy. Including crafts, recipes, and reviews, she enjoys blogging and all the work it entails. It definitely keeps her on her toes, but it's rewarding for her when she receives a comment from a reader letting her know they enjoy her post. Her goal is to grow her blog into all it can be. As a mommy blogger, she has had the opportunity to work with several brands to review their products or places.
Stop by and check out her blog...it's definitely a great read!
Are you interested in having your blog or website featured in this spot? Then, sponsor Turn It Up Tuesday for a month! Click here! It's only $5 for an entire month! We're accepting sponsors for 2015!

Welcome the lovely ladies of Turn It Up Tuesday!

TUT Hosts 11.1.14 (1)
(from the top - left to right)
Natasha from Epic Mommy Adventures | Stacey from This Momma's Ramblings | Jessica from The Wondering Brain | Cathy from A Peek Into My Paradise | April from 100lb Countdown | Meghan from Life with Peanut | Kae from Where's My Pacifier? | Kelly from Making-More | Melissa from The Coupon Chronicles | Yolanda from That's Mashed Up | Laura from Another Cent Saved | Cindy from Mom Maven | Kimberly from Keystrokes by Kimberly| Rhonda from Mother 2 Mother | Tiffany from MrsTeeLoveLifeLaughter | Mari from Living in Mommywood | Silvie from My Silly Little Gang | Jillian from Baby Doodah | Chelsea from Mommie and Wee | Tenns from New Mama Diaries

And welcome our awesome guest hosts for November!

TUT Nov 2014 (3)
(from the top - left to right)
Angie from God's Growing Garden | Damjana from AppleGreen Cottage | Keri from Living In This Season | Stasia from Our Life on a Budget | Kimberly from Life is a Lullaby | Rebeka from Homemade Momy | Serena from Simple Holistic Girl | Amy from Home Remedies | Stacy from Little to No Progress Here | Tanya from City Mom Loves | Tina from The Happy Creations

Interested in being a guest host for the month or becoming a permanent co-host?

Complete the form here! Monthly co-hosts will be chosen on a first come first-serve basis. We're now accepting guest hosts for December, January, and February.

Here are the Featured posts from last week!

Cathy chose Easy Recipe for Pumpkin Cream Cheese Truffles from A Mitten Full of Savings. "Cream cheese and pumpkin…need I say more!? I can’t wait to make these for the holidays!"
Jillian chose How to Make an Infinity Scarf from Little House Living. "I chose this post because I have been seriously obsessed with scarves this Fall season and they can get pricey. This is a much more affordable option to fulfill my need for many many scarves. haha"
Cathy chose Book Page Paper Pumpkin {How to Decorate for Fall on a Budget} from The Domestic Heart. "Shelly has created an amazing paper pumpkin and you can to with her awesome step by step tutorial! Create these amazing paper pumpkins to decorate your home this harvest season!"
Kelly chose Paper Plate Candy Corn Bunting from Typically Simple. "I love easy craft projects and my kids thought this was really fun."
Jessica chose If I Had A Halloween Party from The Crafty Side of Sarcasm. "How cute! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I have yet to throw a Halloween party so when I do, I will definitely check in for some of these awesome ideas, especially the take on food!"
Bernadyn chose How Zombies and Screams Gave Me a Mom Moment from Life in a House of Testosterone. "I chose this post because Kim shares how she had a "Mom moment" with her son in an unexpected time and place. I think that for parents, those special moments are important to cherish especially as your children grow older and it sometimes, it becomes harder to find ways to stay close and connected."
Stacey chose Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Bars from Platter Talk. "Oh my these look absolutely wonderful! My kids would definitely be asking for more because these are three of their favorite ingredients! LOL! I will be giving this one a try and soon! Thank you so much for sharing!"
Meghan chose 52 Ways You Can Save Money Each Month from Amber Kristine. "As a stay at home mom, we are constantly looking for ways to save money. This post was great as it gave me a few additional ideas that we had not thought of yet."
Sonya chose Easy Apple Cranberry Chia Seed Jam from A Worthey Read. "This looks like a great healthy jam recipe that is perfect for fall. Apples and cranberries are both in season so this is a great way to use them."
Elina chose Coffee Filter Crafts | Coffee Filter Wreath from Happy Deal - Happy Day! "The finished project is stunning and she takes you step by step on how to create this unique wreath. I love the flowers she added to it, it gives the wreath a nice pop of color."
Tina chose All Natural Car Air Freshener from Robyn's View. "What a wonderful idea, it looks so elegant! A natural air freshner without any chemicals,safe for all the family. Looks great and the car smells great for less!"
Natasha chose 10 Practical Tips For New Bloggers (From A New Blogger) from Tabler Party of Two. "This is such a great post! These are tips that even us semi-newbie and long-time bloggers can take advantage of!"
FP collage (WM)
The post with the most clicks is How To Put A Dresser Back Together from Anastasia Vintage.
Stop by and show some love to our featured bloggers this week! I'm sure they'd all appreciate it!
If you were featured above, feel free to share the badge below with pride on your blog or website!
Epic Mommy Adventures
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And the Best of the Best is...

How Zombies and Screams Gave Me a Mom Moment from Life in a House of Testosterone
Show some love to our Best of the Best bloggers this week!!!!
As the Best of the Best, you win free ad space on Epic Mommy Adventures for 30 days! Please showcase the badge below with pride on your blog!
Please send an e-mail to Natasha at 1EpicMommy@gmail.com and she will provide you with all the details!
Epic Mommy Adventures
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So now that you've met our sponsor of the month, our hosts and co-hosts, and the Featured and the Best of the Best,

let's get started!

*Show some love to your hosts and co-hosts simply by following them on social media and leaving a comment so they can follow you back. *Link up as many posts as you'd like! The more, the merrier! *Check out some of the other posts and make some new friends! *Grab the button below and showcase on your sidebar! Invite your fellow bloggers to join the fun!
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Link up your posts, make some friends, and earn the chance to be featured or become the Best of the Best on Turn It Up Tuesday! We will feature the favorite posts each week!

Interested in reading all of the Featured Posts on Turn It Up Tuesdays - past or present? Or do want to know if your post was featured before we go live next week? Follow Natasha Peter's board Featured on Turn It Up Tuesdays! on Pinterest.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

How to be a good football mom and not a scary spectacle

A spectacle is a visually striking performance or display. As fun as that sounds, it has no place on the sidelines of a wee ones sporting activities.

My baby boy plays football. HE IS MY BABY BOY but he's also thirteen so calling him baby boy is apparently what they call in the sporting world, a "don't do that". When I need the boys attention at home, I call him by a number of affectionate terms. Squash, squishy squish, handsome baby boy, hoshywa, squirt. To name a few. At football I am allowed to call him by his last name or jersey number. Those are the only two options.
When I yell, "Mommy's cutest little squishy squash", it's too affectionate and I'm embarrassing him.
When I yell 'Hey Dumb Ass!' it's too harsh, and I'm abusing him. Which is just stupid. There have been numerous moments during a football game that both seemed entirely appropriate. One time he was facing the wrong way but he was also standing next to a giant specimen of a linemen which made him look like the cutest teeniest tiniest little guy. So I yelled "Squish! Turn around! The game is that way dumb ass!"

Don't judge me
Being a football mom requires adhering to a whole tiring list of CAN's and CANNOT's.
I CAN remind him, before the game, to stay hydrated.
I CANNOT take him a drink of my water while he's on the field. Even if it looks like he's not really doing anything.
I CAN encourage him to be aggressive.
I CANNOT be specific. A simple "get him!" is fine. However, "take number 8 out back and beat him with a lead pipe" is frowned upon. And "Hey Dumbass! Grind your cleat in to his shin, punch him in the larynx so he can't scream, and then elbow him in the kidneys 'til he's pissing blood!" will get authorities involved.
I CAN wear his team colors to show support, or make signs, and hype the boys up by loudly spelling football related words. G-O-A-L! W-I-N! I can even passive aggressively diminish the other team by eluding to their shortcomings and lack of S-P-I-R-I-T.
I CANNOT yell "F%$# YOU!" to the opposing teams. Even if I spell it first. I'm just not allowed to do that. at all. They will only warn me so many times. They expect more out of me because I'm an adult.
I CAN bring our team treats, apples or orange slices etc, to naturally enhance energy
I CANNOT bring our team methamphetamine's. Not even chocolate covered uppers.

In the game of football, listen close you folks from Alabama, only the kids can have physical altercations. A lot of people struggle with this. They want to fight the ref, the parents of the other team, the coaches, the parents of team mates.  I don't know what advice to give you. I have never experienced competitive rage. I have come close to fighting one person at at a game.  He was four or five years old. Maybe closer to two. He kept running around on the bleachers and screaming nonsense. He may have been drinking I don't know, his behavior was uncivilized and extremely annoying. Every pounding step shook the entire structure. He would stop right in front of where I was sitting. I focused on the game and tried hard not to give in to the temptation of tripping the inconsiderate douche bag. Finally, God intervened and the little rascal fell off the side. He was crying and carrying on so his mom had to get off the phone and take him somewhere. Don't worry it's not one of those stories with a horrible ending, after he left I was able to enjoy the game in peace.
It could have ended tragically. I could have been ensnared by this kids obvious attempts to instigate a fight. I could have been seriously hurt. I was able to keep it together in the face of adversary because I am clearly a responsible mature adult. Not all football parents can make that claim and on many occasions simple squabbles become full on riots. People are beaten to death with Gatorade coolers and folding chairs.

  • Address your kid by the appropriate name. 
  • Only offer conservative support and cheer. 
  • Keep your anger in check. 

Seems like there should be more to it. In the interest of having a longer list, because I enjoy lengthy lists. I will add

  • Donate money/Fund-raise. The coach is donating his time and energy, help fund safe equipment 
  • Don't let your child skip practices. He is part of a team and his team mates depend on him 
  • Show up to games. That hard work deserves an audience when its game time. 
  • Love your team win or lose. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

I'm not bringing sexy back. I told sexy to leave

Today started just like any other day. When no one is home I like to yell things really loudly. I was in the midst of a song I made up called 'The weasel is giving the Beetles the measles.' When suddenly! Right in the middle of the 72nd verse, I had an epiphany.

Why am I not wearing a ladies pant suit? WHY am I NOT wearing a ladies PANT SUIT?


In that moment I realized something. How did I end up in sweat pants and old band shirts? There is nothing and no one on gods green earth dictating my wardrobe but me. I am the king of this mountain. I can do anything. I can wear anything. What I am wearing is extra lame with a side of no, no, no, no, no. I need the classiest of all the onesies. What's there to even think about? Do I have a dress code? NO. There. I'm finished thinking.

This beauty can be found at www.diaryofavintagegirl.com
I'm in my mid thirties. I'm old. Not old enough for all of lives treasured milestones. I can't shoplift yet. I can't make wild accusations and punt random children at the park. I can't make scenes. I'm only allowed to say 'what?' twice before it's considered rude. 
Side note: When I'm an official blue hair I plan on saying 'what' as many times as it takes for people to just shut the hell up. Eventually people will give up talking to me and I will finally have peace and quite. Sweet, sweet quiet. And if people think they can just come in to my area and talk to each other I will turn the tv up so loud the vibration rattles my teeth. I'll keep my mouth open too so everyone can hear and it's extra creepy. Speaking of false teeth. I'm going to get really really big ones that barely fit in my mouth. I will take them out of my mouth and cup them in my hands to bite people, and things, and people. 

"Grandma Stacy has a hard time hearing and remembering where her teeth go"

Enough about that. Lets focus. Where do I go all day? What do I do? Who do I see? Can I go, do, and see all these things in a ladies pant suit? I stay home, I drive my kids to their gazillion activities, sometimes the bank, or the store. I clean and write and make important calls and pretend I'm a ninja who has just been shunned because I refuse to slay my master even though he became evil. Because I know it's not him that is evil, it's the ancient dragon stone he was tricked in to taking from a Shaolin temple. So we fight. I see strangers mostly, sometimes my neighbors, my friends when I'm feeling sassy. This is all very lady pant suit friendly. 
What is the appropriate age for a ladies pant suit? I looked in to it. I said "google? How old was Mary Richards on the Mary Tyler Moore show? Google said "30 something"  and I said "that's what I like to hear googley!"

Note to self: One really shouldn't raise one's arms like that.
When your pants are attached to your shirt there is an unfortunate faux pa. 
What about being sexy? I'm a woman, sexy is important right? NO. No it is not. NOPE! I have no intention of bringing sexy back. I told sexy to leave. And I meant it. Sexy wants me to shave my legs and have things that pout and things that push and some curves but not other curves. Plus, last time I tried to dress up sexy. It didn't really work. If sexy were a project at a science fair I would have received a participation ribbon and sad sympathetic smiles, and a lot of advice about how being more prepared and organized and knowledgeable about the topic would have really helped my grade. With that sad little truth in mind I can easily bid you adieu sexy! We had 18 years together. We're through. I mean it. Don't call. Don't make things weird. Just go.

Plenty o' room for a future fupa!!
 As you can see I could go from standing to dancing almost effortlessly. With an outfit like this I would probably know Disney songs and recipes and what to do with coupons and how to have socially appropriate discussions. I would drink my wine from a glass and laugh at clean jokes. Look at that lady! We are the same age! The time for this is now!

I could never do high kicks in traditional pants. This is actually a huge selling point for me. I like kicking, and I could feel at ease doing a lot of spontaneous kicking if I were wearing a belt like that. I couldn't help myself. If you know me you already know I can't wear scarves because of the constant urge to belly dance. According to MMA experts, kicking is more impressive than shimmying. Just sayin'. Look at her. Just look at her. She looks so free. I want to be free. That's the kind of outfit with a tag that says 'ONE SIZE' that is a relief. With proper diet and exercise I think I could quite easily stay 'ONE SIZE'

Which brings us to our final consideration. What will other women think? Me sauntering around, polished, sophisticated, intermittently weaving in an effortless roundhouse. Who cares?  Seriously. I don't even kind of. The fear of another's judgement is not enough to dissuade me from envying an enticingly breezy pant-shirt union.

It's settled then. Welcome to the Stacy show pantsuit, romper, onesie, jumper, best idea ever. It's really the perfect time to segue my ass in to giant underwear. Though buying my undies where I buy my sprinkler parts and tractor tires really should be a treat I save for my 40's.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I took my own advice and shut my mouth for 48 hours

Occasionally I like to go a few hours without speaking. Because I have nothing nice to say. I'm a stay at home mom in the middle of happy valley. Based on geography and occupation I am supposed to be a good person. Like a really good person. Like a super wowza boy oh boy ain't she the best kind of good person. Are you getting the impression that I  feel a lot of pressure to be a good person. Which is a problem. Cause I am not a good person. I'm always trying really really hard to be a good person. I find myself doing a lot of good person things. IT IS SO EXHAUSTING. None of it feels right. Being a good person does not come natural to me. I keep trying though. Sometimes I start to genuinely feel like maybe, just maybe I am in fact becoming a good person....... and then reality is like NOPE! You're still an asshole.
I'm not a thief. I'm not a liar. I don't use or abuse anyone. I'm not an alcoholic or a drug user. I give to charity. My children are my priority and I will always make sure they have food on their plate, a roof over their head, and clothes on their back. I'm kind to the elderly and I've never abandoned a friend in need. I'm starting to sound like a good person huh? Yeah, I fall for my own bullsh#t too. My problem is not so much what I do or do not do, it's more what I'm thinking. I am consumed with almost constant negative thoughts. CALM YOURSELF! Not the kind of negative thoughts that authorities need to be made aware of. I'm talking about totally normal totally sane thoughts that are had by people that aren't "good"

Let me give an example:
This is my internal monologue during a recent conversation:
Why is she still talking? I want her to be quiet but I don't want to be rude. She gestures wildly. I can't listen to her words and I want her to shut up. I want her mouth to stop moving more than I have ever wanted anything. I hate her. No I don't. be quiet. be quiet be quiet be quite. be quite be quite be quite. What song is that? This is gonna drive me nuts. Is it flight of the bumble bee? no. that doesn't sound right. it goes dun du dun du dun du or wait no it doesn't, that's lone ranger. Oh shit. I've been humming out loud. Did anyone notice? Oh yeah she definitely did. So did she. They all did. Now I feel weird. I'm gonna grow up right now RIGHT NOW and listen to the rest of the conversation like an adult. Iiiiiiiiiiiit iiiiiiiiiiiiis soooooooooo booooooooooring though. What the hell is going on with her eyebrows? She has to know that EVERYONE else knows that those are not her eyebrows. I wonder what her real eyebrows look like? How bad could they be that this atrocity was the better option. I'm staring at her eyebrows. She is staring at me staring at her eyebrows. Look away, look away. I wonder if she lost them in a horrible accident. Maybe her forehead was burnt off by ze germanz! Was that racist? Haha I just remembered I had a dream about someone giving me eyebrows for my birthday. That is so weird. That doesn't even make sense. Whoa what am I doing. I just turned around. I now have my back to her. How do I make this look normal? I'll do a full spin and then I'll be facing the right direction. Oops that was two spins. That was just really weird. Should I pretend I was dancing? There is no music that would be stupid. Almost as stupid as me spinning for no reason. I'm not standing in the right spot any more. I am standing way to close to her now. Everyone is looking at me and yet, she is still talking. Man she just doesn't take a hint does she? If someone did a 360 while I was talking I would stop and ask them if they are mental. I'm rude though, she's probably just really nice. Doesn't want to point out that there is something socially inept about me. Focus Stacy. Focus on this nice person who clearly tolerates you with class. What stupid thing is she even saying with her crazy eyebrows and her wild gestures. She smells. She smells like.....something. Like if assholes were made of onions. Assions. She smells like assions. RUDE you are rude Stacy. Pull it together. What is she talking about? Oh it's still about her kid. Her wonderful amazing incredible kid. She just loves her kid so so much that she tells endless stories that are stupid about her stupid kid. I hate her kid. I want to punch him in his giant forehead. That would teach him about life. Life is cruel. Especially when you have a giant forehead you giant foreheaded freak. What face did I just make? She stopped talking. She is staring at me. Did she ask me a question? I'm still standing way too close. I want to run away from these people. Maybe clotheseline a few of them on my way out. What is happening now? Everyone else is laughing. I should laugh. Nope that was really loud and high pitched and not normal at all. What is wrong with me? Why are my arms out? Why on earth did I lift my arms up? I can either make a ghost noise or hug her. I cannot salvage this.

This is just a small taste of what is going on upstairs. These are not the thoughts of a good person. This is manageable though. This alone does not make me stop talking for hours. Its when I start vocalizing this negativity that I become a menace to all that is good in the world. And that's when I decide its time to be quiet. Typically its just for a few hours. Recently I chose to be silent for 48 hours. I was saying mean things constantly. I was snapping at people and I wasn't talking to the kids. I was just yelling at them constantly. I yelled everything. So silence was needed. No words at all. I didn't write notes or text or use any type of social media. Different people react differently to the announcement that you are taking a vow of silence for 48 hours. 90% of adults respond in one of two ways. It's either, "Why?" or, "you are so %$#@ing weird Stacy" But my life is not made up of adults. My life is 90% children and when told that Mom is taking a 48 hour vow of silence 100% of children respond "Me too." It almost immediately becomes a round of a game I call Charades in hell.

Gwen, who is six, ran frantically in to the kitchen jumping up and down. She started windmilling her arms. And then with one hand it looked like she was doing a fish thing. She held up one finger. She pointed to her wrist. She made a sudden surprise face. She looked at me expectantly.
I shook my head and shrugged.
She rolled her eyes. She put up a hand as if to say STOP. She beat both hands against her chest. She held up one finger on each hand. She pointed to her head. She did a slow motion run and then a somersault. She made a sudden surprise face.
I looked through the window at the backyard trampoline. No one. I walked through the house and she followed. I was worried she was trying to tell me someone was hurt. I found all the other kids. Everyone was fine. I turned to Gwen and I shrugged my shoulders.
She face palmed. She did some kind of weird hip thrusting dance. She ran away from me and then turned and ran back towards me. She stopped. She pointed to her knee. She made the noise of a dog whining. She pointed at me. She pointed at her. She cradled an imaginary baby.
I smacked her upside the back of the head and walked away.
She yelled after me "I SAID can I PLEASE have a COOKIE?!!"

When you are silent for long periods of time something interesting happens. The constant mental chaos starts to dissipate. All your thoughts slow down and become focused. You begin to sort of narrate yourself, both your thoughts and your actions. When you are unable to communicate you are forced to confront your knee jerk reactions, you are forced to stop and think before acting. When it takes that much work to express yourself you become a little more selective with what you would like to express. Expressing the negative just isn't worth the effort. I normally reflect back on my day or week, when I choose to be silent I'm not looking back trying to remember. I'm in the moment. Reflecting on my actions and feelings as they occur.

Why did I tense up when they walked in the door? 
I have not spoken in six hours by choice. I haven't smiled either. I feel happy. Why don't I show it?
When my children call out to me or grab my attention I respond by scowling. I didn't realize how often I begin conversations looking like I'm ready for a fight. 
Wow. I don't think of myself as an affectionate person, but each and every time one of my children takes my hand or hugs me or lays their head against my arm I feel an immediate sense of relaxation.

I experienced 48 hours of this. 48 hours of seeing how I affect others. 48 hours of not yelling at the kids. 48 hours of seeing that constant correction and criticism is completely unnecessary. 48 hours of seeing that the kids can settle their own arguments. 48 hours of listening.

I would like to report that 48 hours of listening has changed me. I would like to report that I am that much closer to being a good person. Ummm NOPE. My silence started at 1pm Sunday afternoon and Tuesday afternoon at exactly 1pm I was standing on a street corner yelling "I hate this F#$@%ing dog!! I hate you dog! I hope you get hit by a car. If I had money I would hire a Zamboni to run you down. I would hire a fleet of Zambonis to chase you down and shmear you all over the road. Stupid #$%@ing dog."

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

What the deuce garden!!

Dan built me a garden. I have always wanted a garden. I love it. He enclosed it to keep the dogs out. It made it feel private and secluded from the rest of the backyard. And it was a most excellent excuse to refer to myself as the gatekeeper.

Look at you garden! So clean and tidy and perfect. Bellissimo! 
Dan built me planting boxes. So neat and orderly. I LOVE neat and orderly. The kids were excited too and they got to work right away. They planted and fertilized and misspelled all the vegetable labels.

Soon. It started to grow. It was so exciting!! With every centimeter of growth we would all exclaim how amazing it was. I liked walking around in the garden. Several times a day. I was incredibly proud of our success and oh so grateful to my wonderful Dan for creating this happy little corner. So peaceful, So gorgeous.
2 rows of corn
My pretty little tomato plant
I call it my salad bar :)
Sweet Peas!!
And then it kept growing. Which was cool. The corn was taller than the boy and all the varieties of lettuce were ready to eat.

The cute little salad bar has become very mighty indeed!!
And then things took a turn. I blame myself. Like I said I have always wanted a garden. Which also means I have never before had a garden. Mostly because I'm not domesticated so I really have no idea how "to garden". Perhaps there were precautions I should have taken. or omens. I don't know.
We got really busy and I figured the automatic sprinklers would take care of the only real necessity. I didn't even think about the garden much for two weeks. Just two weeks. Let me tell you something people. A LOT OF SHIT GOES DOWN IN A GARDEN IN TWO WEEKS. A lot of sci-fi B horror movie crazy shit. We're not talking Vegas crazy, we're talking full blown Tijuana crazy. I don't know how it all went down or in what order. I can only recount the events as they accosted my eyes. I opened the gate for the first time after just a teeny tiny little smallish amount of neglect. Not a long enough absence to excuse this level of total anarchy mind you.

My previously favorite part of my garden was my ready to eat salad bar. It is now more of a smallish forest. I have no words for what is going on. I present to you the first the lettuce tree's

WTF Salad bar? WTF!!! What are you even doing? 
your attitude is a real problem salad bar.
You have no right to be 3 feet tall.
Next. Pumpkin. The pumpkin plant was humping everything. HUMPING EVERYTHING! As far as the eye could see. Pumpkin wanted it all and he wanted it bad. No wonder pumpkins are the official vegetable of Halloween. That is where the word creepy has to come from. Because that is what pumpkin plants do and that is what pumpkin plants are. Creepy little rapey things. They creep right up on other plants and they hump 'em!!

Nowhere on your little seed package were the words
Finally, my three cute little tomato plants have become so giant that they have burst through the cages and are now wielding those cages like weapons. The three prongs pried loose from the ground and forced at an upward angle in a very menacing fashion.
I think this is officially a ghetto now.
A vegetable ghetto. A veghetto.

It is as much out of the garden box as it is in the garden box.
There are no containers in this garden. Just suggestions.
Suggestions that nobody follows. Like STOP signs. 
Look closely at the pumpkin in the background.
If I were using time lapse photography we would be watching a very slow rape.
I repeat. I'm not domesticated. I don't even know how "to garden" Part of me. Most of me. Wants to just use the lawn mower. Just crank up some Rage Against the Machine and whatever survives I'll take care of because I'll be too afraid of it to do otherwise. Plus if I can't mow it down it's because it's in its garden box like it should be and it deserves to live as a reward for not being just comletely friggin ridiculous.

But I can't do that. Because I have a Dan. And my Dan would never understand what would possess me to slaughter our garden with a motorized spinning blade. I already do enough things that make Dan take a lot of deep breaths and ask a lot of questions. Plus he just started trusting me again with power tools. So I rallied the only troops I have.

It's hard not to get caught up in their enthusiasm
 We "happily" worked all day "together" "enjoying" the miracle of seed becoming sustenance. It was a "great" bonding experience. "We" learned a lot of "important" life lessons with this project about the value of hard work, the folly of neglect, the almost impressive insatiable needs of a pumpkin plant. But at the end of the day, I still don't know what the F#@$ I'm going to do with about a billionty f#@&ing tomatoes.
People keep telling me to Make Salsa! They don't understand this is just the first batch!
I have like 90,000 more tomatoes out there. No one. NO ONE. Could eat that much salsa.