Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Out on the Mashu's boat

I have an older brother named Mashu. That's not really his name, that's just what I call him. Because he hates it. And I torment him. Why do I torment him? I don't know. I just always have. As children whenever Mashu made the mistake of falling asleep on the floor of the living room I immediately began to struggle. Seeing Mashu so relaxed, so at peace, so asleep, made me want NEED to stand on his head. I struggled to resist the urge but that is a battle of wills I rarely won and I often stood on his head. That is not a metaphor. I quite literally, one foot after another stepped on to his head. It didn't seem to hurt him. Just annoy the hell out of him. I myself have no idea what it is like to wake up with someone standing on your head but I would assume it is alarming. Mashu never appeared alarm. In fact he always asked me the exact same question as if there was going to be a different explanation. Unable to turn his head to look at me, because I was standing on his head, he would mumble in to the carpet, "Why are you standing on my head?" and I would bend down and loudly exclaim, "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" I've never overcome my need to confuse, antagonize, and sometimes abuse Mashu. This weekend was no different.

My boyfriend and I headed up to the lake to stay a night at my parents cabin and do some fishing in the morning. Bright and early in the AM we went down to the dock and we took Mashu's boat out on to the lake. I wasn't going to mess with him, in fact I hadn't planned to even speak with him that morning, but having not used the boat before there were a couple of things I needed to ask about before leaving the dock. It was pretty early so instead of calling I sent Mashu a simple text letting him know I was using the boat and I had a quick question. Matthew call immediately. He answered my question. We hung up. Then I realized, he had called immediately. Very very immediately. I know immediately means right away, but it seemed somehow even sooner than that. I had sent him the text, seconds later and BAM! he calls. Not only did he immediately call, there was a hint of concern in his voice. Just a hint. Barely noticeable. I noticed.

For some reason Mashu was nervous that I was on his boat. I thought about this for a good five minutes before sending him another text. I didn't bother with salutations this time. I got right to the point.

Does smoke always come from the motor

I waited. Sure enough, he immediately called. I assured him it was not out of oil and it wasn't on fire and it didn't sound like it was misfiring or sputtering or anything else. There was no longer a possible hint of concern. It had been affirmed. Mashu was definitely very concerned. I was not concerned because there wasn't really any smoke. I was testing his faith in me. He had none.

What should I do about this? Mashu is at home. Trying to relax. I'm on the boat. I thought about this for a good five minutes before I decided it was best to send Mashu another text.

How do you get the stereo off? Or at least turn it down?

Once again my phone immediately rang. This time before answering I turned the radio up really loud. I screamed "hello!" in to the phone repeatedly followed by "I can't hear anything you're saying because I don't know how to work the radio. I'll have to call you back when I'm done fishing! This is too loud!" I hung up.

I was hoping this would alarm and confuse Mashu for at least half an hour because I had some fishing to do. I didn't come all the way out here to play on my phone the whole time. It was a great day for fishing. Clear skies, calm waters, perfect temperature. I was really enjoying myself until I glanced at the time and realized it had been awhile since Mashu had heard from me. He was probably getting worried that everything was fine. I should probably text him.

How fast can this thing go in reverse!!

I don't know what Mashu was thinking when he received that message. He didn't call immediately, and when he did he was strangely calm. I said "hello?" and he said, "what the hell?" and then he was silent for a long time. "I have no idea how fast the boat will go in reverse. How fast did you go?"

And then soon after:


"What Bee's? There are no bees on the boat?" "You can't just suddenly have bees on a boat." "Wasp spray I guess."

This is what I was hoping Mashu was imagining based on my very colorful description of bees on a boat. I of course used my very best Samuel L Jackson voice. "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHER FRIGGIN BEES ON THIS MOTHER FRIGGIN BOAT!"

At this point he seemed really agitated and I didn't want to play with him anymore. And we were done fishing and done using the boat so there was really nothing left to say.  


  1. Poor tortured Mashu. lol
    I wonder if he misses you standing on his head?

    Stopping by from Momma's Meandering Mondays.

    1. What kind of monster would he be if he didn't miss it? ;)