Sunday, July 27, 2014

And so it begins.....Project 1

I have this bright idea that involves our youngest daughters sharing a room. It's not because I need more petty ridiculous fights among siblings. I've got plenty of that. I've got the Costco size container of that bullsh**. The reason they will now be sharing a room is.... actually it's a long story and would make for a boring blog. It has to do with blending families and it looks a lot like this situation:

Let's just say it's mostly because they need more room for activities. There is really more to it than that, but the moral of this story is it has become my first of 52 projects and as an added bonus it combines all 3 of the project criteria mentioned in my previous blog. 52 weeks, 52 projects I'm finishing a room, I'm doing something fun with the kids, and I'm creating. That's right ladies and gentleman I'm a little rookie fresh off the bench and I'm coming out swinging!


So...... apparently this was not one project. This was many projects that could not possibly be done in one week. Also, this was not a project. This was hell on earth. No, not hell. This was hell's dirty infested anus on earth. For this week I was hoping I'd sail right through the preparation phase and get right in to creating fun projects. I have just barely mostly completed preparing the rooms and have done zero fun things. So there is no step by step Pinterest linked how to's, instead this is a list of what we planned, how it worked out, and then a helpful tip or two in case you intend to attempt this at home.

Plan: Clean, Sort, and Organize in preparation for the merge 
How that worked: I wouldn't know. Ten days later and we're not completely done. How do young children accumulate a never ending pile of worthless shit? My daughter has a dresser with four drawers and a desk with two drawers. Somehow I have cleaned out 11,000 drawers. And I'm not done. It's like that mythical beast that as soon as you cut off one head two grow back and when you cut off those two then there's four and so on and so on. I can't seem to end this. 
Helpful Tip: It's hard for kids to spend hours sorting and organizing their stuff in to stuff to keep, stuff to store, and stuff to toss piles. I suggest making a game out of it. Every time your child tries to sneak off in the middle of the job or fakes an injury or illness to get out of work or just begins to break down and wine and lament all existence. Take a shot of tequila. After about the first hour of work, they'll have run off, you'll be totally shit tanked and you'll find sorting becomes very very easy because suddenly everything goes in to the "stuff to build a bitchin bonfire" pile. Honestly. This is a really good plan. For many reasons. Here's three reasons.
1. Cleaning a kids room drunk is actually hilarious. When I find something important that I've been searching the entire house for months for, like the television remote, in a desk drawer. It's so funny. I am filled with laughter. Make the same discovery sober and I am filled with rage.
2. If I diligently sort and organize everything then at the end of every cleaning day I notice it's not cleaner it's worse. This continues for days and spills out in to other areas of the house. When my guy gets home from work and looks around at the chaos he of course asks "what the hell happened?" not in a judgmental way. In a concerned and genuinely curious way. When I have to look him in the eye and say "I'm cleaning" I feel shame because I am obviously failing hard at anything remotely related to cleaning. However, if I look him right in the eye and say "I'm ser jrunk" this answers every possible question and I feel somewhat accomplished. Six straight days of tearing apart the house and calling it cleaning, sad. Six straight days in an alcohol induced frenzy showing signs of being oddly productive, strangely impressive. 
3. Its all about making memories. Ten years from now will my children ever say, "remember that time you organized our bedrooms?" No. They will not. That is not a memory. That is so lame. I promise you though ten years from now my children will definitely on many occasions say "remember that time you were drunk for two weeks and threw away all of our stuff?" That's golden. Right? Good times. 

Plan: Buy, Assmeble, and Personalize cutsey matching beds
How that worked: I blame myself. Why? Because I sleep in a gorgeous bed. Handmade by the Amish folks. I love this bed. It is so beautiful. Sometimes I just look at my bed and I am filled with pride. It was expensive and it is an accomplishment. You don't deserve a bed like this until you've seen some shit, okay? If your kid is under ten and has a "bedroom set" consisting of well made sturdy real wood furnishings, I can guarantee your kid is an asshole. If any of that stuff came from a store like pottery barn or Ethan Allen or similar, I promise you that your kid is now, and will likely always be an asshole. Just sayin'. Because your kid has not earned nice things. I believe kids should start out with nothing. Just a mattress a tattered blanket and an old sweaty pillow. That way they will lie awake at night and dream of a day they will have coordinated bedding and a pillow that doesn't smell like crotch. If you start them out with everything they will never appreciate anything. So with that theory in mind I did not buy the girls the highest quality of craftsmanship in a bed. I bought ones I had to assemble myself. I gave a pile of money to a company in exchange for a wood like substance and bolts that strip instantly. Thank god we didn't go for the bunk bed option. They have not yet been cutseyed or personalized because right now I'm still angry at those beds. They are rude.
Helpful Tip: I meditate. It helps me center. It calms me. Even though I bought these beds from Lowes, I quickly discovered that F#@& YOU IKEA! is still the appropriate mantra for the activity. Get real primal with it for maximum efficacy. The louder and more guttural the chant, the better. And because you're drunk it won't even seem weird. Oh and read the instructions several times before you even start. Because sometimes step six starts with Note: complete step six prior to step two. Seriously.

In conclusion, the one bedroom is cleaned out. Everything has been combined and put away in to one shared bedroom. The furniture is purchased, assembled, and in the room. Now it's time to decorate. But that is another adventure and another blog.

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