Tuesday, September 9, 2014

How to be a good football mom and not a scary spectacle

A spectacle is a visually striking performance or display. As fun as that sounds, it has no place on the sidelines of a wee ones sporting activities.

My baby boy plays football. HE IS MY BABY BOY but he's also thirteen so calling him baby boy is apparently what they call in the sporting world, a "don't do that". When I need the boys attention at home, I call him by a number of affectionate terms. Squash, squishy squish, handsome baby boy, hoshywa, squirt. To name a few. At football I am allowed to call him by his last name or jersey number. Those are the only two options.
When I yell, "Mommy's cutest little squishy squash", it's too affectionate and I'm embarrassing him.
When I yell 'Hey Dumb Ass!' it's too harsh, and I'm abusing him. Which is just stupid. There have been numerous moments during a football game that both seemed entirely appropriate. One time he was facing the wrong way but he was also standing next to a giant specimen of a linemen which made him look like the cutest teeniest tiniest little guy. So I yelled "Squish! Turn around! The game is that way dumb ass!"

Don't judge me
Being a football mom requires adhering to a whole tiring list of CAN's and CANNOT's.
I CAN remind him, before the game, to stay hydrated.
I CANNOT take him a drink of my water while he's on the field. Even if it looks like he's not really doing anything.
I CAN encourage him to be aggressive.
I CANNOT be specific. A simple "get him!" is fine. However, "take number 8 out back and beat him with a lead pipe" is frowned upon. And "Hey Dumbass! Grind your cleat in to his shin, punch him in the larynx so he can't scream, and then elbow him in the kidneys 'til he's pissing blood!" will get authorities involved.
I CAN wear his team colors to show support, or make signs, and hype the boys up by loudly spelling football related words. G-O-A-L! W-I-N! I can even passive aggressively diminish the other team by eluding to their shortcomings and lack of S-P-I-R-I-T.
I CANNOT yell "F%$# YOU!" to the opposing teams. Even if I spell it first. I'm just not allowed to do that. at all. They will only warn me so many times. They expect more out of me because I'm an adult.
I CAN bring our team treats, apples or orange slices etc, to naturally enhance energy
I CANNOT bring our team methamphetamine's. Not even chocolate covered uppers.

In the game of football, listen close you folks from Alabama, only the kids can have physical altercations. A lot of people struggle with this. They want to fight the ref, the parents of the other team, the coaches, the parents of team mates.  I don't know what advice to give you. I have never experienced competitive rage. I have come close to fighting one person at at a game.  He was four or five years old. Maybe closer to two. He kept running around on the bleachers and screaming nonsense. He may have been drinking I don't know, his behavior was uncivilized and extremely annoying. Every pounding step shook the entire structure. He would stop right in front of where I was sitting. I focused on the game and tried hard not to give in to the temptation of tripping the inconsiderate douche bag. Finally, God intervened and the little rascal fell off the side. He was crying and carrying on so his mom had to get off the phone and take him somewhere. Don't worry it's not one of those stories with a horrible ending, after he left I was able to enjoy the game in peace.
It could have ended tragically. I could have been ensnared by this kids obvious attempts to instigate a fight. I could have been seriously hurt. I was able to keep it together in the face of adversary because I am clearly a responsible mature adult. Not all football parents can make that claim and on many occasions simple squabbles become full on riots. People are beaten to death with Gatorade coolers and folding chairs.

  • Address your kid by the appropriate name. 
  • Only offer conservative support and cheer. 
  • Keep your anger in check. 

Seems like there should be more to it. In the interest of having a longer list, because I enjoy lengthy lists. I will add

  • Donate money/Fund-raise. The coach is donating his time and energy, help fund safe equipment 
  • Don't let your child skip practices. He is part of a team and his team mates depend on him 
  • Show up to games. That hard work deserves an audience when its game time. 
  • Love your team win or lose. 

No comments:

Post a Comment