Wednesday, August 20, 2014

What the deuce garden!!

Dan built me a garden. I have always wanted a garden. I love it. He enclosed it to keep the dogs out. It made it feel private and secluded from the rest of the backyard. And it was a most excellent excuse to refer to myself as the gatekeeper.

Look at you garden! So clean and tidy and perfect. Bellissimo! 
Dan built me planting boxes. So neat and orderly. I LOVE neat and orderly. The kids were excited too and they got to work right away. They planted and fertilized and misspelled all the vegetable labels.

Soon. It started to grow. It was so exciting!! With every centimeter of growth we would all exclaim how amazing it was. I liked walking around in the garden. Several times a day. I was incredibly proud of our success and oh so grateful to my wonderful Dan for creating this happy little corner. So peaceful, So gorgeous.
2 rows of corn
My pretty little tomato plant
I call it my salad bar :)
Sweet Peas!!
And then it kept growing. Which was cool. The corn was taller than the boy and all the varieties of lettuce were ready to eat.

The cute little salad bar has become very mighty indeed!!
And then things took a turn. I blame myself. Like I said I have always wanted a garden. Which also means I have never before had a garden. Mostly because I'm not domesticated so I really have no idea how "to garden". Perhaps there were precautions I should have taken. or omens. I don't know.
We got really busy and I figured the automatic sprinklers would take care of the only real necessity. I didn't even think about the garden much for two weeks. Just two weeks. Let me tell you something people. A LOT OF SHIT GOES DOWN IN A GARDEN IN TWO WEEKS. A lot of sci-fi B horror movie crazy shit. We're not talking Vegas crazy, we're talking full blown Tijuana crazy. I don't know how it all went down or in what order. I can only recount the events as they accosted my eyes. I opened the gate for the first time after just a teeny tiny little smallish amount of neglect. Not a long enough absence to excuse this level of total anarchy mind you.

My previously favorite part of my garden was my ready to eat salad bar. It is now more of a smallish forest. I have no words for what is going on. I present to you the first the lettuce tree's

WTF Salad bar? WTF!!! What are you even doing? 
your attitude is a real problem salad bar.
You have no right to be 3 feet tall.
Next. Pumpkin. The pumpkin plant was humping everything. HUMPING EVERYTHING! As far as the eye could see. Pumpkin wanted it all and he wanted it bad. No wonder pumpkins are the official vegetable of Halloween. That is where the word creepy has to come from. Because that is what pumpkin plants do and that is what pumpkin plants are. Creepy little rapey things. They creep right up on other plants and they hump 'em!!

Nowhere on your little seed package were the words
Finally, my three cute little tomato plants have become so giant that they have burst through the cages and are now wielding those cages like weapons. The three prongs pried loose from the ground and forced at an upward angle in a very menacing fashion.
I think this is officially a ghetto now.
A vegetable ghetto. A veghetto.

It is as much out of the garden box as it is in the garden box.
There are no containers in this garden. Just suggestions.
Suggestions that nobody follows. Like STOP signs. 
Look closely at the pumpkin in the background.
If I were using time lapse photography we would be watching a very slow rape.
I repeat. I'm not domesticated. I don't even know how "to garden" Part of me. Most of me. Wants to just use the lawn mower. Just crank up some Rage Against the Machine and whatever survives I'll take care of because I'll be too afraid of it to do otherwise. Plus if I can't mow it down it's because it's in its garden box like it should be and it deserves to live as a reward for not being just comletely friggin ridiculous.

But I can't do that. Because I have a Dan. And my Dan would never understand what would possess me to slaughter our garden with a motorized spinning blade. I already do enough things that make Dan take a lot of deep breaths and ask a lot of questions. Plus he just started trusting me again with power tools. So I rallied the only troops I have.

It's hard not to get caught up in their enthusiasm
 We "happily" worked all day "together" "enjoying" the miracle of seed becoming sustenance. It was a "great" bonding experience. "We" learned a lot of "important" life lessons with this project about the value of hard work, the folly of neglect, the almost impressive insatiable needs of a pumpkin plant. But at the end of the day, I still don't know what the F#@$ I'm going to do with about a billionty f#@&ing tomatoes.
People keep telling me to Make Salsa! They don't understand this is just the first batch!
I have like 90,000 more tomatoes out there. No one. NO ONE. Could eat that much salsa. 

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