If you have just one child don't read this blog. You won't understand. You'll say sweet silly things like "why don't you spend more one on one time with her?" "keep her busy with educational activities" "try a schedule" or "I would never let my child -" let me stop you right there. not because I have a response. I just want you to stop making suggestions. I'm not trying to be rude. I just think you are an idiot and despite all of your imaginary parenting know how.... Gwen would eat you alive.
Gwensday - CLUE....
Gwen plays clue. The board game. But not like the rules suggest. She places a weapon in every room. You roll the dice and enter a room. Once you are in that room you now possess that weapon and the next person who rolls and enters that room you kill with aforementioned weapon. If you make the obvious choice of just not entering rooms that are occupied by a pawn with weapons, Gwen will roll the dice and come after you. The roll of the dice has nothing to do with how many spaces Gwen can move when hunting you down and everything to do with how many times she can hit your pawn with her pawn during your murder. If you think this game sounds abhorrent just wait until you are playing to win and you find yourself arguing with a five year old the logic that your pawn has a gun and therefor beats her pawn who only has a rope. It is a moment indeed. It sounds as if the last man standing wins. No. Gwen wins. When you play Clue with Gwen she beats you. In the library. With a candlestick. No matter how many times you shoot her.
Gwensday - Robitussin...
Gwen once drank a bottle of Robitussin. Don't judge me! All precautions were taken to keep any and all medicine out of reach. But Gwen is fast and determined and she also apparently really likes the taste of cherry/ass syrup. I rushed her to the ER. It is the one and only enjoyable visit to the ER that has ever existed. Everyone involved enjoyed the experience. The waiting room, the triage nurse, the old man who thought he was having a heart attack. And mostly the doctor. It was an interesting exam. Gwen refused to sit up or lay down. She just stood on the hospital bed with a Popsicle in her mouth while a colorful puddle of drool pooled at her feet. The doctor after repeatedly reassuring me she was in no real danger, listened to her heart. As he did so, Gwen reached out with her finger, pressed on the doctors nose and said "boop". Really loud. Over and over and over. The fun didn't stop that night either. A year later we were at my mothers house. She has a picture of Christ hanging in her hallway. Gwen stood staring at it. And then had the following conversation with my little brother Kevin.
Gwen: "I miss that guy"
Kevin: "When did you meet him?"
Gwen: "The night I drank that cough syrup"
(I told you not to judge me. You are judging me right now.)
Gwensday - This little piggy went to market....
One rainy afternoon the desire for donuts and a popsicle far outweighed the logistics of going to the grocery store. The logistics being a) she didn't know where the store was. b) the closest store was a mile away. c) she had no money. d) it was raining. e) she wasn't wearing any pants.
See what happened was, I ran an errand. I was gone for maybe twenty minutes. Both of the twins were at home with Gwen along with my brother, Kevin. And my father. I returned from my errand and noticed Gwen was not with my father. She was not with my brother. She was not with either of the twins.... Okay, so she walked to the park behind the house again because I had yet to find a threat or punishment that had deterred her from doing that. Nope. Not there. I drove around the block. No sign of her. Searched the house again. Nothing. Started to panic. We all drove around the neighborhood. We ran through the house yelling her name, looking under beds and behind couches. Nothing. It was raining and I had no idea where she was or when she left and I had been searching for at least ten minutes. I called the police. My voice shaking I tried to calmly give the details to the dispatcher. She interrupted me. She had just received a call from a grocery store near my address. There was a little girl there. She was wearing a scarf over her head, large brown monkey boots, shorts and a tank top. A child with a description you cannot give without laughing...could only be Gwen.
I rushed to the store thinking Gwen must be so scared. NOPE. She was shoplifting. Her defense, and I quote "Well, I don't have any money, I'm 4!" Apparently she had walked to the store, a mile, gotten a grocery cart and placed several items in it. Ice cream, soda, cookies.... and then she had gone to the donut case. There she found a nice man to help her reach the donuts on the higher shelf and put them in a box. After he assisted her it occurred to him that a small scantily clothed child wearing giant boots and a scarf tied over her head might be cause for alarm. Before Gwen made it out the door the man had alerted an employee. This is the best part. When the store manager asked for her name, she said "Olivia" The girl gave an alias at four!! A smart one too. Olivia is her middle name, easy to remember, hard to get tripped up when questioned.
(STOP JUDGING ME!)
Gwensday - Facetime
Gwen loves facetime. Her favorite thing to do is take the ipad and facetime you. The call lasts about ten seconds. She hides. When the call connects all you can see is darkness and a little tiny face. She stares in to the screen and then suddenly yells "Guess where I'm calling you from?!" then disconnects. I don't know why this particular game rattles me so much because I know she's in the house somewhere. The Ipad only works on our WiFi so she is definitely in the house. That knowledge is not comforting. She scares the crap out of me every time. It is just SO CREEPY.
Gwen is my youngest. I learned with the older three that all children have a unique personality. No matter how hard you try to mold them in to your idea of who they should be, it won't stick. Right from the beginning they start choosing their own path and their own mode of travel. Keep them safe, be an example of where that path should lead, and enjoy them. Gwen is a unique little girl. She's sweet, and funny. Some would say she misbehaves or some would even say she is bad. She's not. She's wonderful and she's good where it matters. She would never steal (except for that shoplifting thing) or lie (except for that alias thing) or hurt anyone (unless you're a character in her version of clue). She's perfectly normal and just like any other little girl who happens to also be a fiercely independent genius criminal mind.
I wish you all luck. She started Kindergarten this year which means I've unleashed her. We did give her a little advice...