Wednesday, October 30, 2013

That boy has a beard.....

My daughter is dating age. Not really. But she's at that age where boys and girls are really starting to take notice of each other. Somehow screaming "You're 12!" while blasting my car horn during the daily carpool drop off for junior high does nothing to damper their desires.
I've moved in to the realm as a parent where I am forced to acknowledge that many of my child's choices will have a huge and lasting impact on her future! Every step is a slippery slope towards total destruction! She's going to slip and fall and get pregnant because THAT BOY HAS A BEARD!
This is what they look like. When did they start looking like this?
I acknowledge that I may have a tendency to over react. Maybe I am overreacting about this too. Perhaps my daughter will not be affected by her environment.  That environment being 1500+ other students saturated with raging hormones.
There is adult supervision in that environment, at a ratio of 30:1. That's pretty good right? NO! No it is not! At home there is a ratio of 5:1 and I have no idea what the $%#@ is going on!! No idea at all. If I can't keep track of 5 that I dearly love how are teachers looking out for a minimum of 30? Seriously? Those teachers are far less invested than I am. That's not an insult to teachers, that's just a truth. I'm in this for life not just 5 days a week for 9 or so months. I work around the clock to keep these guys in line. I have a slipping grip on my sanity and no end in sight, and I can't give up. Quitting is not an option. Teachers have an entirely different perspective. They only have to survive 35 minutes and a bell signals relief. "Tomorrow is a new day" is their mantra. Teachers float by because they can dream of June and sunshine and never again seeing these %$$#@&#. For a teacher, a few students flirting in class is insignificant, they turned in their assignments that's all that matters to a teacher. I disagree with that. If that bearded man child is sweet talking my baby girl during class you can bet your sweet ass that that assignment, that entire basket of assignments is not getting turned in for grades. It is going to be booked as evidence in a very heinous, yet very creative, assault case. I'll give him a %$#@&% paper cut.
Let's face it folks. I'm not over reacting. A slip and fall and pregnant scenario is sadly and horribly a very real threat at this age. I thought of some preventative measures that while amusing and likely effective are also just mean. Do you remember junior high? Wasn't there always a kid that smelled like urine and cheese? Was that kid really just super hygienically impaired or were we witnessing the madness of a parental genius? Think about it. That kid got teased, but that kid also got great grades, and most importantly that kid did not get ANY ACTION. The teasing thing probably sucked a little for him but I bet the academic scholarship was tits! right? I can not be the only mother that is tempted to pee on her children before they leave for school. It's a reasonable strategy once explained. (just to be clear I ran that idea by a few people and it's not a reasonable strategy, the word unacceptable was tossed around. As well as phrases like "obligated to report....")
I tried testing the water with some professionals. The orthodontist informed me that he would absolutely not be willing to use his knowledge and skills to "wire them up to make it worse" I was kidding but he seemed serious. The lady at the salon will not "go at it blindfolded after consuming her body weight in beer" That was at a great clips and I was volunteering to buy the beer! Good old crazy eyebrows at the tanning salon was all for giving the kids a once over until I said it was because nothing is more unattractive then a spray tan. That might have offended the Oompa Loompa. The lady at the health food store was not aware of any vitamins that would cause a horribly disfiguring rash that had no serious side effects and no accompanying itchiness. She didn't seem bothered by the strangeness of the inquiry. Which I find disturbing. The reality is I can't do any of these things because therapy is so expensive and my daughter doesn't have a job.
If my daughter is going to remain attractive despite my best efforts, and she is going to spend her days in a cesspool of puberty with little adult interference, how do I keep her a child for a few more years? I can't. It's all on her. That is frightening in a debilitating kind of way. I don't think for one moment that she has any desire or plan to...... "grow up too soon" but THAT BOY HAS A BEARD!
The other day a friend of mine posted a question on her Facebook asking other parents if they read their child's texts, Facebook messages, emails, etc. I was the only parent that said no. I don't do that and I don't want to. I'm probably wrong. I'm probably disillusioned about how much trust you can place in your child and how much you have to guard them from "what's out there". But it seems wrong. It seems like exactly the right thing to do to keep your child safe but it also seems so wrong.  When I think about logging in to their accounts in their absence and reading through their private exchanges between friends vs peeing on them on their way out the door. I'd have an easier time peeing on them. Peeing on them actually seems more noble. I would rather pee on them, have an orthodontist distort their teeth, let a drunken barber shave half hazardous, and let a crazy person paint them orange, I would rather do all of that than invade their privacy. 
To all the parents currently using social media to keep an eye on their kids. I don't judge you. I don't disagree with your logic. One of these days you are going to stumble on to a conversation or interaction and you are going to have the opportunity to interfere before poor choices are made. Your rules and restrictions and overseeing is going to pay off. I don't doubt that. I agree, and yet I just can't do it.

BUT DAMN IT THAT BOY HAS A BEARD!! When did junior high students start looking like metro sexual predators? Why can't I walk by one with out gawking at them as if they are carnies. I swear to all that is holy there is a kid at that school that could play Santa. WTF?! Evidence of increasing testosterone is not good for my blood pressure.
My girl is a good kid. A really good kid. And we talk about everything. I really really want to believe that I'm doing it right. That building a relationship based on trust and respect, that encourages open and honest dialogue is enough. All she has to do is keep me informed and follow my advice when its serious, and all I have to do is hold tight to the reins on the insanity horse and trust she'll make good choices.
Plus I Googled chlamydia and I'm going to use those pictures during our next "birds and the bees" talk. I won't mention they are photos of diseased anatomy. She'll be scarred for life. I'm a genius.


  1. For what it is worth you aren't the only parent who doesn't check all their social media. We spot check periodically, but honestly they know their computer better then I do and if they want to hide stuff they will. I'd rather have open lines of communication then feel like I'm snooping.

  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one Amy :)

  3. This post just made me literally laugh out loud.

    I'm heading over to Bloglovin right now to follow you for more laughs! Found you on the Newbie bloggers club, by the way.


    1. Thanks Beth. I love your engagement story. So sweet :)

  4. omg...I HEAR you on this one! My daughter, (15) now has her first real boyfriend. He's a nice boy; respectful, nice manners, great grades, players on the JV soccer team. I've met his parents, they're lovely as well, but I wish they weren't dating! It feels like too much too soon at such a young age. I feel confident that we've given her a solid basis as far as our ideals, beliefs, etc but the world is a scary place. I just hope she holds up under the pressure. I think she will. And as for the checking of texts...I absolutely spot check every now and again. "Trust, but verify" said Ronald Reagan (I think) and that's what we do. It has opened up some great conversations.

    1. I like that Amy... "trust but verify" I have to admit to on occasion asking her to show me texts and she always complies. Even the ones from boys. I always ask to see a picture of the boy. Luckily it has yet to be a boy with a beard :)

  5. Maybe even the playing field and insist that all the girls in your daughter's class wear fake beards to school?

  6. My NSA spies on everyone! Hoo Hoo Haa Haa Hoo Hoo (evil laughter).