Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Summer of Gump - point A to point B
I signed up for a shit ton of races. All summer long I'll be runnin' and that means I need to be trainin'
Where to start? At the beginning I guess. Identify point A (my current condition) and define point B (my goal)
Point A -
I titled this blog with the intent to reveal all; weight, measurements, etc as my point A. But I really don't want to do that. That's either embarrassing or boastful, I won't say which. Embarrassing. Definitely embarrassing. I've gained twenty pounds since October. Twenty pounds in six months. The last time I gained this kind of weight I was building another person inside of my belly. Now my belly is where cookies go to be memorialized in a wall of fat after they are unceremoniously devoured in a feeding frenzy. OR something like that. That being said I would love to lose a little (a lot of) weight and get my figured back (to stop looking pregnant) The problem with using that information as a measurement of success is that it wouldn't be a true representation of my goal. (only most of my goal) My weight now verses my weight later? What does that reveal? I don't even have a goal weight (120). And as far as measurements go..... I've heard that ideal is 36-24-36 but only if you're 5'3" which I am. To clarify I'm 5'3" not those other numbers. But that's a song about how much that guy likes ass not a realistic number to base a goal off of. So thanks for your input Sir Mix-A-Lot but I'm going to go a different direction. (No I'm not. That is totally my goal)
Truth is I'd be cool weighing in at a twenty stones (only because I have no idea how much that is) as long as I was in "top form". To me "top form" translates to "has a moderate chance of success (while rocking a bikini and heels) in hand to hand combat with a grizzly bear" or penguins. I HATE penguins. Is it just me or does any one else think penguins are smarmy little bastards? Every time I see one I want to punt it. It is extremely likely that if I were an Eskimo I would be known for using one penguin to beat the life out of another penguin. Which would make me an extremely eccentric Eskimo because I would have to have them captured by rogue hunters and then flown in from the South Pole. Probably for some annual Eskimo festival, like...... daytime. And then all the other Eskimos would think it was some sort of Pole war and they would chant "North Side" and make hand gestures but in reality I would only be doing it because I hate penguins not because I wanted Pole dominance. But I would never reveal that. Team Spirit.
Speaking of poles.... this happened yesterday.
Strange Older Lady - Hi we're going around the neighborhood today giving fast quotes for auto insurance, on average we've been saving folks - Oh! Hi! I remember you.
Me - Hi (blank stare)
Strange Older Lady - Didn't you used to dance?
Me - having been told once or twice before (but never directly) that I have the grace of a ballerina, I smile at her easy to make mistake
Strange Older Lady - Where was it? Golden Trails?
Me - Hey! No.
Strange Older Lady - I'm sorry, my mistake (But she totally gave me the don't worry I'll keep your secret look)
So, First! Golden Trails? What the hell is that old lady doing in a strip club? Second, she was blushing, what exactly was she remembering? that sly dog. And finally, just when I think that in a strange way it's kind of a compliment to assume I could make a bit of money gyrating in the nude, I realize she assumed I was a FORMER stripper. She called me an out of work stripper. A "fallen on hard times" stripper. A "you used to be covered in glitter and reek of seduction but now you like NASCAR and reek of french fries" stripper. Rude! and wrong! I don't like NASCAR. But she could save me 20% on my auto insurance. Still I didn't change coverage! Ha! Who's fallen on hard times now!? Bitch.
What the hell are we talking about? I just realized none of this has anything to do with training. So............ yeah, I'm still on step one, set a goal. What is my point B? I don't know. Let's look at the situation:
In two and a half weeks I need to be able to swim 300 meters, bike 12.75 miles, and then run a 5k. I have three and a half hours from the time the race starts to the time the award ceremony begins. So worst case scenario I drown. But less worse worst case scenario, in my current condition I would still finish with in the allotted time. I think. Hey! Maybe I could cross the finish line while every one is clapping for the people who actually won awards. I could pretend they were clapping because they were SO proud of me that it moved them to make loud noises. and then I'll make a speech... FOCUS! I want to do slightly better than that. So this shall be my goal................drum roll..................If I can get myself to the point that I can swim for 30 minutes straight, bike for 45 minutes straight. and then run for 30 minutes straight, then I can be reasonably proud of my success. That is my Point B.
I need to bike for 45 minutes straight, I can currently bike for 18 minutes and that's about 3 miles. If I do the math at that rate 12.75 miles would take me 76.5 minutes (F@#$)
I need to run for 30 minutes straight, I can currently run for 1 minute 30 seconds. I "run" a 16 minute mile. It would take me 48 minutes to finish a 5k (Double F@#$)
I need to swim 30 minutes straight, I currently can't swim, if I float on my back I can do a length in about 12 minutes. it will take me 72 minutes to do six lengths. If I add all of that up there is a strong probability that I will be stealing some one else's applause which means on top of everything else now I have to write a speech. (DOuble F@#$ squared)
Here's my plan. For the next 18 days I will run, bike, and row machine (unless I can make it to a pool) every day. I will increase the time a little each day until a knee or other some other important joint explodes giving me a reasonable excuse to bail out of this entire debacle.
Sweet! I now feel like I have something to work towards. Cheers.