Monday, April 15, 2013

Pinterest. A love hate relationship.

I have come to know one thing with certainty. I love pinterest and I hate pinterest equally.

There are some really fun cute ideas on there THAT NEVER WORK WHEN I TRY THEM. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I only skim over the directions. Maybe it's because I never have the ingredients/supplies called for and substitute things that are not even remotely close to what they're supposed to be substituting. Maybe because instead of following the instructions like some kind of sheep headed for slaughter at the last second I rebel and have to do it my way. Or mostly because I'm some kind of f***ing idiot and I don't even know what directions like "reduce sauce until desired consistency is reached" is supposed to mean. (in case you don't know either, it does not mean pour half of it out. This method effectively reduces the sauce but you'll never reach desired consistency. Ever.)

Recently I had what I refer to as a minor rant on the facebook. I have a tendency for minor rants when I encounter something with two qualities. One, it's just oozing with stupidity. And two, it isn't my stupidity. When it's my stupidity I give it a laugh and move on, no biggie. When it's someone else's stupidity I'm all over it like glitter on a vampire. Speaking of things oozing with stupidity...

FOCUS! That is the third time today my mind has drifted over to vampires. Anyhow the aforementioned rant was caused by this little gem:

When I saw this I thought of all the fun times I've never successfully painted my own fingernails. Also known as every time I have ever painted my finger nails. And then I thought "what if I added glue?" At the thought of it my loins burned with fury. Not really, I just like to say that. For some reason that sentence excites me. What I really thought was what a**hole is putting bullsh*t tips on pinterest and then laughing all day at the idiots who thought it was WAIT A MINUTE! That's not an a**hole that's a genius. And then I came up with this:

 That's horrible. and not very funny. I have a lot of idiot friends and I think some would try that.

I can't end the blog this way obviously. I don't feel any sense of accomplishment. But I really have only one helpful tip that is Pinterest worthy. It's kind of stupid though and maybe everyone already knows this, but, here it is. My one bit of advice.

When you are tanning (SHUT UP! I already know it's bad but I need a base tan before I go in to the sun or I burn like a vampire with a----- I'm going to stop myself)... anyhow, when you are tanning and you forget a hair tie, like I do every single time I go tanning, you can still hold your hair up without getting it all lotiony. When you take your shirt off, don't take it all the way off. stop at your forehead and then twist that bioch like a turban!

The best thing about this photo is the sh*tty nail polish job on my little fingers. I should end this blog now but there's something else I do when I'm in a tanning bed and I am curious if anyone else out there does the same thing. When you look at yourself in the mirror and you're all crazy blue and white etc. does anyone else pretend they look like this?

If so, I have one more piece of pinterest worthy advise. Don't do this while wearing headphones. Just because you can't hear your banshee shrieks over the Pantera you're jamming, the rest of the salon can. One of the snotty little b****es that "works" at the front counter will come in to investigate. Interestingly when they do burst in to find out you were just playing with your own reflection, for one brief moment, the eyebrows they drew on that morning, are appropriate for their facial expression in that situation. 

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