Thursday, May 29, 2014

I obviously didn't mean it when I said I would throw you at a charging herd of rhino's.

I obviously didn't mean it when I said I would throw you at a charging herd of rhino's. Think about it, I'm never going to Safari with you. So for you to claim that was a threat, really just makes you look silly. Did you think I was going to lure you to the zoo, cause a commotion that would result in a stampede of all two of the Rhino's they keep there and then toss you in? That would take all afternoon! at least! and I don't have that kind of time reserved for "sweet revenge scenarios".

If I had a dime for every time I've had to issue this or a similar apology. Am I right or am I right? It seems like every one talks about PMS but no one ever shines a light on the days one must face shortly after a PMS exchange. If you suffer from PMS then you know what its like when you're trying to have a nice dinner with your family, but everyone is still crying about you burning some of there stuff in the backyard a minute ago. Hello! Do they think I enjoyed being in the clutches of an apocalyptic rage? I didn't. My throat is still scratchy from all the screaming and I'm sure I broke a toe when I kicked that giant play set slide. Think about how hard I had to kick that slide. It was bolted down and it still cleared a six foot fence.

I know its hard to be the family members of the fine gracious wonderful woman who suffers endures PMS, but there are a few things you should keep in mind. Who the hell do you think you are? What kind of perverse death wish do you have? Were you even wearing safety gear when you looked her right in the eye and asked, "what's for dinner?" You know you had induced the birth of the Destructor just hours before. Are you insane? You peered in to the abyss and asked "what's for dinner?"

Maybe there are multitudes of boring old spineless types and they would simply say "tacos" and you would eat your tacos and then what? Just relax and go to bed? All the time? Every night your home is nothing more than a safe haven where you can relax and let your guard down? Does that really sound like a good full life? Forgive me if I don't understand the lure in such an uneventful existence.

My diabolical family tricks me in to thinking that is exactly the monotonous emptiness they yearn for. I even start to believe that peace and tranquility are our mutual goals. They can keep up the charade for just over a fortnight before inevitably they band together and unleash my beast with in. Its seems half hazard to the untrained eye but in truth it is a complicated alluring dance that has taken years for them to perfect. The chosen words are spoken casually to the ears of my physical body, but they are heard in the darkest region of my hell bound soul. And they know this. But they strike up the band and dance the dance over and over and over. Month after month after month. This leads one to the only obvious conclusion that they like a little excitement. They play with fire. Danger is their middle name.

It takes a surprisingly short amount of time to cast off the warm and fuzzy ambiance and replace it with a tangible, foreboding, evil presence. I have broken down the choreography step by step so that we can watch them cast this enchanted spell together.

Child 1: Mom!
Me: Hey! What's up?
Child 1: Tomorrow I have to have my green pants.
Child 2: Mom!
Child 1: I'm already talking to mom
Child 2: I thought you were done
Me to Child 2: Just one second
Child 1: I'm not done. I was in the middle of saying something and you interrupted.
Me to Child 1: okay, what is it? You need green pants tomorrow and what else?
Child 1: Nothing else. JUST NEVER MIND!
Me to Child 1: Go find your green pants and I'll get them washed.
Me to Child 2: What did you need?
Child 2: I don't need anything jeez! I just wanted to say hi.
Child 1: I'm still talking!!!
Me and Child 2 to Child 1: What?
Child 1 to Child 2: I'm not talking to you, go away.
Child 2: I don't have to go away, you go away. Mom said to go get your green pants.
Me: Both of you stop. Me to Child 1: Go get your green pants. Me to Child 2: Stop antagonizing. Go clean your room.
Child 3: Mom!
Child 2: I'm not antagonizing! I'm just trying to say Hi and you're yelling at me for no reason.
Child 1: I can't find my green pants that's why I'm telling you. If I had my green pants I wouldn't just be telling you. Hey I need my pants that I have.
Child 3: Mom!
Me to Child 1: Go look for them. Me to Child 2: I'm not yelling but I can't talk right this very second. Me to Child 3: What?
Child 1: I did look for them! I can't find them. That's why I'm telling you.
Child 2: You can't talk to me but you're talking to her and she just walked in. You always talk to her.
Child 3: Mom!
Me to Child 1: Did you look in all your drawers and your laundry basket. Me to Child 2: Please just stop. Hello to you too. Go clean your room. Me to Child 3: Go clean your room
Child 1: I know they are not in my drawers and I haven't worn them so I know they're not in my laundry basket.
Child 2: My room is clean. Can I paint? Yesterday you said that after school I could use the paints we got for my birthday if I didn't make a mess.
Me to Child 1: You know they're not in your drawer because you looked? Just go look in your drawers and laundry really quick. Me to Child 2: Not right now.
Child 1: I know they're not in there
Child 4: Mom!
Child 2: You always say not right now.
Me to Child 1: just go look. Me to Child 2: Not right now. Me to Child 4: What?
Child 4: Did you know the toilet is flooding and now the carpet in the hall is wet?
Child 3 yelling from outside: I TRIED TO TELL YOU BUT YOU SAID TO GO CLEAN MY ROOM
Child 4: You're not even in your room you're outside
Child 3: I forgot that's what she said
Child 4: you did not forget. you just repeated it
Child 3: I remembered now
Child 1: My green pants are not in my drawer. I told you they weren't
Child 2: When? My birthday was three months ago and I still haven't got to try my present.
Child 4: If we don't leave right now I'm going to be late to Cheer practice and I can't miss any.
Child 5: The bathroom floor is all wet.
Me to Child 1: I can not help you right this second but I will make sure you have your pants for tomorrow. Me to Child 2: I cannot have you get paint out right now and if you ask again you go to your room. Me to Child 3: I want you inside and in your room right this second. Do not come back out until it is clean. Me to Child 4: I need to deal with the bathroom and then we will go. Me to Child 5: Go clean your room.
This buys me less that 5 minutes of quiet to try to deal with the flood. I refer to it as an intermission to their symphony of chaos. 
Child 4: I'm now late.
Child 5: Do I have to clean my whole room because I cleaned it yesterday and I know I didn't get any of my stuff out so somebody went in my room.
Me to Child 4: I'm trying to hurry. I can't just leave this.
Me to Child 5: No one messed up your room. No one has been in your room. Go clean.
Child 5: I know someone was in my room because I put my books on my bed and now they're on the floor.
Me to Child 5: Don't you think when you slept in your bed last night your books fell off your bed?
Child 5: *eye roll and stomps away*
Child 4: I'm not allowed to go late
Child 3: There is a lady on your phone
Me to Child 3: What? Who?
Child 3: I don't know. It was about an appointment.
Me to Child 3: Where is my phone?
Child 3 *shrugs and skips away*
Child 4: Mom! I'm LATE! You make me late to everything!
Child 5: I know I didn't get my doll out. I left her on my shelf because she is very special. Someone else messed up my room. Its not fair.
Child 3: *returns with phone* I hung up on her
Child 1: I did not bump him! I was just trying to smell the paint to see if it was the same kind my school has!
Child 2: Mom! She got paint all over the kitchen floor and the wall and the counter. I was putting the lid on and she slammed in to my elbow.
Child 1: I didn't even touch him! I leaned over to look and he screamed at me to get away and got paint all over everything.
Child 5: was it my paint that I got from my friend that I used to go to play with before I started school? Cause that was mine.
Child 4: We have got to leave now or I have to just quit or they'll just kick me out.
Child 3: Did you get my shoe out of the toilet?

I want you to picture a young woman. The kind of young woman one would call classy. Who has grace, and poise. Who possesses a commanding presence when she enters the room. She is dignified and serene. Except right this second she is on all fours mopping up water from the tiled bathroom floor with a look of bewildered defeat. And then right before your eyes she transforms in to something the Brothers Grimm couldn't aptly describe with appropriate enough horror and detail, even armed with two thesaurus's and a sheet of LSD. She has become something Stephen Kings ghoulish nightmares have nightmares about. And now in place of what I say next to these adorable sweet little angels, I shall offer a beloved quote as a summary of what transpired. Please read this quote in the voice of the late great Jean Sheppard.

"He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan." - Ralphie, A Christmas Story.

And right in that moment an image kept at all times in the forefront of my mind now reads:
It has been 00 Months 00 Days 00 Hours since mother ripped us a new one.

This "fiasco" and others very similar are played out daily. however 99% of the time it is "uneventful." Interestingly though, once every 28 days or so the fiasco is diabolically coordinated just right so that the crescendo is perfectly timed to align itself with a release of special hormones. AND THEY CLASH LIKE TITANS! This initial epic outburst begins a game for the children and father of this household. A game that will last for the next 3 to 4 days. The game is called "If I so much as cough will she remove my larynx?"

They know this exciting game is over when I sit them down and explain things. Things like, I obviously didn't mean it when I said if I heard one more sound I would pour red ants through a funnel in to their gaping face hole. Where would I even get red ants? I just really wanted to tell you to go to bed in a way that was very clear and would be immediately understood.


  1. Oh wow, too funny, something many of us moms can relate to! Loved it and actually reminded me that my son asked me to wash his gray and white shorts today. Saw your link at Weekday Mixer and now following on Bloglovin', wishing you a great weekend. :)